Wives, submit to your own husbands, as to the Lord. For the husband is the head of the wife even as Christ is the head of the church, his body, and is himself its Savior. Now as the church submits to Christ, so also wives should submit in everything to their husbands.

Ephesians 5:22-24

In Ephesians 5, Paul writes all about walking in love and doing for others in imitation of what Jesus did for us. He talks about the importance of honoring God and one another with our lives. And that ultimately, we should strive to love the way Jesus loved. Then he uses marriage as an example of how this can practically play out.

In the second half of Ephesians 5, Paul shows how marriage reflects Jesus and his relationship with the church. When a husband-and-wife desire to care for, serve, and love each other and put their spouse’s desires above their own, they reflect how Jesus treated us.

In fact, when Paul talks about the leadership of the husband, it is easy for us to assume or start to conjecture in our minds what leadership is supposed to look like. Yet it is pretty clear in Ephesians 5 that a husband leads by loving like Jesus. How this plays out will differ from culture to culture and context to context, however. Paul doesn’t say “now this is what the husband and wife should do practically.” Instead he simply instructs us that leadership is defined by desiring the good of his wife over himself.

In the end, Paul is showing us that a good marriage requires two people to honor one another. If one (or both) of the spouses do not desire to do this, it will lead to problems. So how does marriage reflect the Gospel? When a husband and wife relate to one another with a posture of love and service, it reflects to everyone else what Christ did for us. As Philippians 2 tells us, Jesus, who had all authority, came not to be served but to serve. To lay down his life for us. Author and pastor Tim Keller puts it this way, The Christian teaching on marriage does not offer a choice between fulfillment and sacrifice…. but rather mutual fulfillment through mutual sacrifice. Jesus gave himself up; he died to himself to save us and make us his. Now we give ourselves up for one another.

So, what is the secret to a good marriage? Doing for your spouse what God did for you in Jesus. We should follow his example in how he loved, cared for, and served. This is different from how marriage is often viewed culturally today. It’s not about each spouse doing their share in the relationship as if it is a 50/50 split. It’s about each spouse desiring the good of their spouse, even when they don’t want to (and even when their spouse may not deserve it). When a husband or wife desires to emulate Jesus in how they treat their spouse, it is a direct reflection of how Jesus treats us.

“Marriage is not slavery. It is based on a love relationship deeply rooted in freedom. Each partner is free from the other and therefore free to love the other. Where there is control, or perception of control, there is not love. Love only exists where there is freedom.”

 Henry Cloud, Boundaries in Marriage