Let what you say be simply ‘Yes’ or ‘No’; anything more than this comes from evil.

MATHEW 5:37 ESV

I always thought that it took courage to say yes to God’s call to give our possessions to the poor or go into the mission field. However, as I get older I realize it takes more faith to say no sometimes.  It takes immense courage to swim against the current, to stand up and say, “No, not me and my family; we don’t do that, we serve the Lord.” We often shake under the fear of man. Such fear might persuade you not to speak out against evil and to instead go with the flow. But the brave stand has eternal benefits.

The most basic boundary-setting word is no. It lets others know that you exist apart from them and that you are in control of you. Being clear about your no—and your yes—is a theme that runs throughout the Bible (Matt. 5:37; James 5:12).

Boundaries 101 Dr. Henry Cloud

So, how can we get better about turning down the things that God does not want us to focus on?

Empty Promises

“And don’t say anything you don’t mean. This counsel is embedded deep in our traditions. You only make things worse when you lay down a smoke screen of pious talk, saying, ‘I’ll pray for you,’ and never doing it, or saying, ‘God be with you,’ and not meaning it. You don’t make your words true by embellishing them with religious lace. In making your speech sound more religious, it becomes less true. Just say ‘yes’ and ‘no.’ When you manipulate words to get your own way, you go wrong. Mathew 5:33-37 MSG

1. Know your no. Identify what’s important to you and acknowledge what’s not. If you don’t know where you want to spend your time, you won’t know where you don’t want to spend your time. Before you can say “no” with confidence, you have to be clear that you want to say “no.”

2. Be appreciative. It’s seldom an insult when people make requests of you. They’re asking for your help because they trust you and they believe in your capabilities to help. So thank them for thinking of you or making the request/invitation.

3. Say “no” to the request, not the person. You’re not rejecting the person, just declining their invitation.

4. Explain why. The particulars of your reason for saying “no” make very little difference. Having a reason, however, does. Maybe you’re too busy or maybe you don’t feel like their request plays to your strengths. Be honest about why you’ve said “no.”

5. Be as resolute as they are pushy. Some people don’t give up easily. Permit yourself, however, to be just as pushy as they are. They’ll respect you for it.

6. Practice. Choose some easy, low-risk situations in which to practice saying “no.” Say “no” when a waiter offers you dessert. Say it when someone tries to sell you something. Go into a room alone, shut the door, and say no out loud ten times. It sounds crazy, but building your “no” muscle helps!

7. Establish a pre-emptive “no.” We all have certain people in our lives who repeatedly make requests of us. It’s better to say “no” before the request comes in. Let those people know that you’re focused on a couple of things in your life and try to reduce your obligations.

8. Be prepared to miss out. Saying “no” always leads to a missed opportunity, but by saying “no” to something we are saying “yes” to something we value more.

9. Gather your courage. If you’re used to saying yes, it will take courage to say no. You need to have the courage to put up with the guilty feeling that may come with turning something down.

Your words also define your property for others as you communicate your feelings, intentions, or dislikes. It is difficult for people to know where you stand when you do not use words to define your property. God does this when he says, “I like this and I hate that.” Or “I will do this, and I will not do that.” Your words let people know where you stand and thus give them a sense of the “edges” that help identify you.

Boundaries 101 Dr. Henry Cloud